2015 has been a great year so far. We've been through a lot of sadness and frustration due to the situation with the kids, but our second year of marriage has been full of great accomplishments too. In March we purchased our amazing home, and last weekend we took a little getaway and came home with the most beautiful Mercedes. My husband has been wanting this car since I’ve known him, and it’s such a blessing that we were able to make it happen. With all that he does to give me everything I could ever want or need, he truly deserved to be the spoiled one for a change. When we went to pick it up, he asked me if I wanted to drive it back to the hotel, and I drove the whole way crying happy tears. I had the same reaction when we bought our house. To some, it probably sounds kind of shallow to have such an emotional reaction to material things, but it’s actually much deeper than that. Achieving the things that everyone aspires to have in life comes with overwhelming realizations of just how far you’ve come when you've experienced so much loss, pain and heartbreak in the past. So, in those moments where I find myself experiencing something that was once beyond anything I ever saw in my future it immediately takes me back to the very lowest moment of my life, the night I truly almost ended it.

 

Sitting in that gorgeous car was such a long way from the night I locked myself in that hotel bathroom. At the time, I was so completely broken that I truly couldn't imagine surviving another day of the life I was living. We'd been evicted, cars repossessed and I'd lost my job because my life was so unstable. Everything I owned was piled up in the corner of that hotel room, and I hadn’t eaten in days. I was so emotionally and mentally sick that I couldn’t keep anything down even if I’d had any food to eat. The only thing I could remember eating in the last month was one chicken nugget. The Soul Stealer was kicking my ass regularly by that time. Saying my life was ruined wasn’t an exaggeration. Every direction I looked there was complete disaster ahead, and at that point in time there was only one way out that I could see. He told me that he didn’t have the money for the room fee for the next day, but somehow managed to scrape up enough to support his habit. I knew it was the end of the line. The next day we were going to be out in the streets. I quietly got up and went to the bathroom. There was a razor in there. I’d make it work somehow. It was the only option I could see. I turned on the shower so he wouldn’t get suspicious. The feeling that it was finally going to be over was the most inner peace I’d felt in a long time. I tried and tried to break the plastic on the razor and I couldn’t do it. I've never felt more desperate, alone and hopeless than I did that night. Soon, he caught on to the fact that I had been in the bathroom too long and started demanding that I come out. I'd already figured out the razor wasn't going to work. Either I was going to have to come out or he was going to break in, and the result of that was exactly what had me in that bathroom to begin with. 

 

Somehow he managed to scrape together the room money by the next morning. Three days later he went to jail, and I was finally out of that hotel room. It was the end of the story of my old life and the first chapter of the story that brings me to the life today. There is no way anyone could have convinced me that night in that hotel bathroom that in just a few short years I'd have a smile on my face, a husband who cherishes me, an amazing home with luxury vehicles in the garage, and the ability to travel and enjoy life. For me, driving a Mercedes off the lot is about so much more than owning a nice car. It's a reminder of how much I've overcome and what I'd have missed out on if I'd succeeded that night. The Lord won't send you a fancy car, but what he will do is point you in the right direction. All you have to do is have the faith in him to follow his lead. 

 

Around the time I first left him I was introduced to a woman at church who had been horribly abused by her ex-husband. She eventually found the strength to leave him and is now happily married to a great guy. I'd felt so hopeless for so long that when I looked into the future all I saw was pitch black nothingness. Meeting that woman and hearing her story was so important because it made me see that perhaps my life wasn't totally beyond repair. Perhaps it was possible to hit rock bottom and somehow find your way back to an even better place than where you started. I'm sure there are people who find my willingness to share these very personal parts of my past a serious case of TMI. It's not always easy to hit that button and post things that might make people look at me differently, but I know there are so many women out there that feel helpless, hopeless and alone like I once did. I want every woman going through hell to know that there's life after heartbreak. It's always darkest before the dawn, and I'm living proof that the sun can and will shine again. Keep the faith. Your blessing is coming. 

Once a month for about 3 or 4 days straight my husband becomes possessed. Yesterday he was as sweet as could be. Out of nowhere he looked at me and said, "I know I can be a pain and I gripe at you a lot, but I am so proud of the way you keep the house looking good all the time. You take such good care of me and the kids, and I don't tell you enough how much I appreciate it." Today is clearly a new day. I was picked up from work by Jack Nicholson in The Shining. The 30 minute ride home was filled with a tirade about his coworkers, wanting a raise, traffic, bad drivers, and being pissed that the kids won't eat leftovers.

Man periods. The struggle is way too real.

Of course, the fun continued when we got home. Remember all those nice compliments yesterday? Apparently, he doesn't. He got mad at me for not opening the door fast enough, starting the dishwasher, turning the kitchen light on, and the junk mail HE left on the counter yesterday. I'd already had enough of his shit for the day. If they sold manpons at Walgreen's I'd have been on my way to get some immediately, but I had to settle for hiding out in the bedroom for the evening. This man has been in here every 20 minutes bitching about everything under the sun. Yesterday, we were blessed and living a wonderful, happy life. Today he hates everything and our lives are a special kind of hell. We joke a lot that we'd rather be miserable with each other than happy with someone else, but I didn't think it was the goal of our marriage to achieve it. Either he needs an exorcist or I need a drink.

Everyone knows I am crazy about my man, but it's no secret he's the biggest whiner on Earth even when he's not experiencing man-strual psychosis. He says that every relationship he had before me they fought like cats and dogs. I guess he needed a woman like me because I’m not about to engage in an argument about why the kitchen light is on. Turn the shit off and move on!!!  I probably tell him at least once a day, “There is no way in hell I’m going to argue about this.” Shuts him right up. A lot of my friends have said they could never be with my husband because he’d drive them crazy.  You certainly have to be able to resist engaging in a pointless argument  to be married to him. He says that being in an abusive relationship for so long prepared me for being married to him because it makes him seem like an angel. To an extent he might be right, but I really think that sometimes people are just suited to each other. If putting up with him whining like a bitch is all I have to do to have a lifetime full of love and happiness then bring on the complaining because I’m with it!

 

I had to take a blogging break. After the nonsense that was dumped on my family last week, the Lord had his arm around my shoulder and his hand over my mouth. I tried to write about other topics, but I had a hard time staying focused and engaged on other topics with last week’s events having taken over my brain. I don’t like feeling like I’m forcing myself to write about something that’s not really what’s on my heart. It seems to come out boring and lacking sincerity when I do that. So, I’ve decided that I won’t get past this until I talk about it. I’ve had a little time now to get the rude and disrespectful comments under control so hopefully I can talk about this without going the “Can you believe that this bitch…” route. Wish me luck because I’ll probably need it.

So, here’s the deal. Last week the kid’s Mom emailed us and told us that she is taking my step son back to live with her. I won’t go into the specific details, but let’s just say the situation was handled very poorly on her part. She could have left it at “He’s decided he wanted to come back to live with me.” We would have been satisfied with that. He’s old enough to make that decision for himself, and we want him to be happy even if it's not with us. I guess just letting us know she'd be taking him back wasn't enough for her. She had to make sure she was rude, hurtful and unnecessary too. Not only that, she manipulated him into believing that he would be better off there and then told my husband that it was his fault the boy wants to leave. I don't think my son has a clue what his Mom actually said, at least I hope not. I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to treat my husband like some kind of half assed parent when he’s clearly gone above and beyond for his children. On the other hand, it was pretty much par for the course. Before the kids came she was so appreciative of us taking them while she was going through a hard time, but since the day she dropped them off she’s acted like she was doing us a favor. I wanted to remind her that she should feel blessed to have a man that will step up the way he has. We all know how many men can’t be bothered to spend a day with their kids or a dime from their pockets, let alone a year and a half with little to no child support aside from the money she gives directly to the kids that gets blown on video games and fast food. Don’t misunderstand me though. I’m not saying he deserves a standing ovation. He was doing his job as a father, taking care of his kids in whatever circumstances he’s given. I’m just saying she didn’t give him the respect he deserved.

Aside from the fact that the way she went about letting us know was so upsetting, the wife in me was pissed off because she was raking him over the coals like she was still married to him. I don’t care how many kids you have with him, I’m not going be ok with you talking to my husband any kind of way. Talking crazy to him is my job! In a way I'm being funny when I say that, but I’ve found that one of the hardest parts of being a step mother is feeling like another woman has more of a say than you do about what goes on in your own home. I think most step parents would tell you that adjusting to the kids is the easy part. It’s the interaction with the grown folks involved that’s the real challenge. Our families have received many compliments on how well we all get along to create a positive and supportive environment for the kids. My husband and I have hosted several parties for the kids in which their mom’s whole family has attended and it was a great time for everyone. You want to know the truth though? The truth is that we’re faking it for the kids. There is so much I would love to say to this woman, but I was a kid with divorced parents who could hardly be in the same room together. I want a better environment than that for my kids, and any time my husband tries to push back when she attempts to manipulate the situation the first thing she does is try to involve them in the drama. Believe me, I’d love to get my ratchet out of my toolbox and go to work on her, but the kid’s happiness means more to me than my desire to put her in her place.

 My husband has had to be content to look like the bad guy for so long because he won’t sink to her level.  I’ve had multiple people tell me that it’s time to fight back and that the kids need a dose of reality because it’s not fair to us to just let her manipulate and control everything to her advantage. If you think fighting with your ex over your kids is hard, just try to imagine keeping your mouth shut no matter your ex says or does. I didn’t really understand why he wasn’t standing up for himself until he told me that having his kids happy and under his roof was all he cared about, and whatever he had to endure to have that was worth it. I see so many co-parenting situations in which both parents lose sight of what’s really important. They get so wrapped up in being right that they forget about the kids standing right there witnessing everything you say and do right in front of them. My husband and I have endured a lot in the last year and a half, and I’m proud that we were able to do it with class and grace, even if we had to fake it til we make it at times.  
 

My step son leaves this weekend, and it’s going to be really hard to see him go. We’re already trying to figure out how to handle it when she comes to pick him up. I’m not sure how I’m going to maintain my composure when I see her because I’m really at my limit. At this point, the only respect for her I have left is the fact that she gave my husband 2 beautiful, intelligent, talented kids. We’d gladly keep him here with us if we knew that’s what he wanted, but I’d be lying if I said we aren’t looking forward to the upside of being free from full time parenting. Now we can get back to all the newlywed adventures and plans we had before they came. I wonder if she realizes that now that the kids aren’t going to be under our roof we don’t have to put up with her crap anymore to protect them? We’ll be free to call her out on her nonsense, and it won’t have a negative impact on the kids. I wonder if she’s ready for us to give her the same courtesy she’s given us when it comes to child support and being a team player? It will be interesting to see how she reacts when her child support money is being blown on fast food and video games. I wonder if she’s prepared for what it’s going to be like when the kids get older and can see through the lies, bribes and manipulation? It’s only a matter of time before karma will be sufficiently doing my dirty work....

 I must admit, I'm about 9 miles too deep in my feelings today. There certain things in my life that are always there under the surface, but one little thing can happen that triggers a downward spiral where things that don't normally bother me get me all upset. I blame my lingering bi-polar tendencies with a touch of being a Gemini thrown in. The thing that kicked it all off this time was a comment someone made that got under my skin yesterday. At first, it didn't bother me, but when I thought about it later I was like, "Wait... Was that... Couldn't be... Well, I'll be damned... THAT WAS SHADE!" I'd just been having a conversation with a friend earlier in the day who was feeling like she let irrelevant people get under her skin too much. I was encouraging her to step up her "Bye, Felicia" game, and now here I was all in my feelings about something that may or may not have been a shot fired in my direction.

Well, that first passage was written yesterday morning. I had this nice little post all planned out throwing myself a petty little pity party over here under my shade tree about the fact that my Dad didn't acknowledge my birthday and a family member inadvertently made me feel left out of a conversation. Little did I know, these little situations I was letting get to me were all leading up to a shocking and upsetting family situation that came about yesterday afternoon and hit me like a ton of bricks. In a way, I'm kind of glad that I was already a little upset by some other situations. It feel like it softened the blow. If I had been just going on about my business as my normal cheerful self I'd probably be beside myself with emotions I couldn't manage right now. Instead, I'm hurt, devastated, pissed, in disbelief, and yet somehow still rational.

I'm so bothered by what happened that I'm not even ready to publicly acknowledge the reality of the situation yet. I just keep telling myself that this shit can't be for real, and yet knowing that it is at the same time. This is one of those situations where someone does something that you can't figure out how the hell the person came to the conclusion they did based on the circumstances. Dealing with someone whose thought processes and viewpoints are so vastly different from your own is extremely frustrating. Refusing to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions and always behaving as though everything is someone else's fault is a completely foreign concept to me. I tend to be a very empathetic person. I look at almost every situation that involves conflict with another person and try to see things from their point of view before I react. I care about the feelings of others so much that I am more likely to take on the burden of the next person's poor decisions than to try to dump mine on someone else.  So, people who have the ability to take any situation and alter the facts to create their own reality are a mystery to me. They throw me for a loop every time because I simply don't have the capability of understanding where they're coming from at all. I couldn't make my brain work that way if I wanted it to.

 

For a lot of my life, it seemed like I somehow I always ended up associating myself with narcissistic people. It took me a long time to realize that assholes love people like me. Two narcissists can't be friends because these people surround themselves with those who won't challenge the little delusional world they build for themselves. People with a submissive and nurturing personality are a narcissist's dream because we don't even require them to make excuses for their actions. Whatever they dish out we just keep seeing the good in them, putting up with their shit, and telling ourselves that if we can just get through to them they'll magically see the light. It took a lot of years and a lot of counseling to learn to set boundaries with these kind of people. There was a time when I would have handled this current situation by trying to reason with this idiot until I was blue in the face while continually becoming more and more miserable that I couldn't change their way of thinking. Even now that I know what a big useless waste of breath and energy it is to try to reason with a lunatic, there are some situations in which I'm tempted to try. In this particular case, someone did something that hurt someone I love and respect more than anyone on the planet. If I thought there was any chance that anything I could say or do would change this person's heart then I would suit up and go to battle in a heartbeat. I suppose it speaks to my own personal growth that I'm able to see this person and situation for what it is. The fact that I can accept that you just can't make some people do the right thing is a huge accomplishment for me.

Ironically, learning to accept that some people are simply self-absorbed, delusional, inconsiderate dicks has brought an element of inner peace to my life. Internalizing the serenity prayer has helped me to let go of things that I can't change and focus on the things that can and do make me happy. The fact that I don't have the power to change others is probably one of the biggest and most important lessons I've ever learned, and one that I still struggle with from time to time. When I encounter some asshat that ruins my day or disrupts my life, I just tell myself that it's just God seeing that I need to be reminded that some things are beyond my control. Understanding that there are some things I just can't change no matter how much I want to has made me believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, and the Big Guy will reveal his plan in due time. It's my job to trust in him and he'll do the rest because he knows everything coming down the road that I don’t see just yet. So today, as much as I want to show my ass and sink to this person's level, I am going to follow my own advice and step up my "Bye, Felicia" game for the good of my family....

Today is my 37^th birthday. It's also Tupac's birthday, which is clearly proof that God makes legendary geniuses on June 16th. I took the day off work because that’s what I always do, but I didn't really have any big plans which is pretty typical. Since I am one who keeps my circle small, I have never had any big wild celebrations as an adult. That might be because the times I have tried usually seemed to be a letdown of some sort. I seem to be the happiest celebrating with the people I can always count on coming through for me, and the older I get the less of a big deal I want to make of it. I suppose that’s normal though. Even when it comes to gifts, I feel like I have everything I  could possibly want. What do you get the girl that feels like she has it all?

  

My most memorable birthdays actually include some sort of ridiculous incident that could only happen to me. Here are a few examples. It was either my 10^th or 11^th birthday that my hair caught on fire on my birthday cake. It was back in the days when the tidal wave bangs created with 5 cans a day of Aqua Net hairspray were popular. I bent over to blow out the candles and my bangs went up in flames. My grandmother hit me over the head repeatedly with her purse to put out the flames. I was so embarrassed that I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed there until everyone left. 27 years later and I still get embarrassed thinking about it.  I believe it was my 16^th birthday party that came to a screeching halt when OJ Simpson went on his famous Broncho chase with the cops. All celebration ceased and we all spent the rest of the party glued to the TV. My most memorable birthday experience as an adult was when the people I was with took off from the table in a restaurant and left me sitting there by myself while the wait staff sang to me. I felt like such an idiot. 

I really don't have a lot of stand out birthday memories that don't involve something totally awkward or unexpected happening. All the others are just kind of average. I don't have a negative view of birthdays, but I don't get super excited about them either.  The last few years this day has become one for reflection on all the ways my life has changed and how much I have to be thankful for. I've lived a lot of life in these 37 years. There have been a lot of ups and downs. Waking up happy with a family and friends that love me, a husband who takes great care of me, and the comfort of knowing that it's going to be a great day is the best gift that I could ever ask for. It won't be a great day just because it's my birthday. It's going to be a great day because every day is happy, full of blessings, and free from worries and hardship. Other than a winning lottery ticket worth millions, I can't think of a single thing I'm longing for today. That's feeling alone is worth more than that lottery ticket could ever be.

I spent my day shopping, getting pampered, and then went to dinner at my favorite restaurant with the husband and kids. It was full of happiness and love, just like every other day. Happy Birthday to me!

 

I’ve been informed by a reliable source that I may or may not be the Charlie Brown’s teacher of bloggers.  She said, “You want some unrequested blog advice??? SHUT YOUR ASS UP, WOMAN!” I mean, that’s not REALLY what she said, but I had fun acting like that’s what she meant. The fact that my posts are too long is something I was actually already aware of. I typically write them out and try to shorten them up as much as possible without losing any of the content if they run long. Yes, those are the condensed versions you’ve read. Sad, I know. I guess I need to stop trying to squeeze so much information into one post. Apparently, I have taken for granted that I 66 paragraphs about my meddling mother might be a lot more interesting to me than anyone else. Who knew?

So, in an effort to retain my 16 faithful followers (Yes, that’s a joke. Sort of. lol), I’m going to make them shorter from now on. This is actually a good thing for all of us because now it might not take me 2 weeks to write, edit and perfect each one. When I do finish the process and post them you’ll hopefully make it all the way through. Also, shorter posts may keep me from running out of material. If it’s too much for people now, I’ll surely be my only follower when the only thing left are to write are 10 page essays about the chicken strips I had for lunch. You’re still here right? Just checking…

Anyway, I hope that everyone has found the new layout a little more user friendly. A lot of people weren’t thrilled with the dark background and light colored writing. Believe me, it was just as annoying to set them up that way as it was to read them. I’m thrilled to have something cleaner, more organized and easier on the eyes. So, if you were thinking of throwing in the towel on me because you don’t have time to read an amateur novel 3 times a week, don’t give up on me yet! I promise I’m going to take care of you all and make sure you keep coming back when I post something new.

To those of you who have complimented my writing and enjoyed my posts, you don’t know how much your support of my new found hobby means to me. This is something I have wanted to do for a really long time and never really thought anyone would pay any attention to it. I’d just keep right on doing it even if no one was reading, but the fact that you are has far exceeded my expectations. Thanks so much for sticking with me even when my posts are unbearably long. I’ll do my best to keep from talking you cross eyed from here on out.

It seems like my last few posts have been a bit morose. Even though there’s been an element of silliness I brought to the subjects at hand, I feel the need to lighten the mood. As women, there is one thing we never get tired of making fun of… men! I mean, let’s face it. With all the things the male population puts us through they deserve to have their utter ridiculousness brought to light for our enjoyment. Let me tell you, there is no better place to gather material for man bashing than on the various free dating sites. It’s the shallowest and most overstocked dating pool on Earth. I can’t knock it too much because I met my husband on Plenty of Fish, of all places. (Don’t judge me. Lol) I know a lot of people who have met their husbands and good quality men on these sites, but you definitely have to cyber kiss several dozen frogs to meet your prince. The following is a collection of the various frogs my girls and I have encountered. Names and specific details will be changed to protect the guilty.

Well, the inevitable has occurred. My mom found out about my blog. I should have known it would happen. It was my sister who inadvertently put me on blast, but it's not her fault. For weeks I'd been meaning to tell her I didn't want my mother to know, but I never got around to it. Then yesterday at a family gathering she mentioned it when my Mom happened to be within earshot. A few minutes later, Mom cornered me and told me that if it wasn't something she could read then I probably didn't need to be putting my business out there, and gave me "the look". My reasons for keeping her out aren't what she probably thinks they are though. Now I'm in damage control mode, and my clean up options are pretty limited. I'm sure this isn't the last I've heard from her about this. Eventually, I'm going to have to come up with some way to smooth it over. A lot of people would probably say, "What's the big deal? You're a grown woman. You shouldn't have to hide anything from her." I wish it were that simple.

This recipe is one of my favorites. It’s pretty delicious, but that’s not the reason why it’s special. This was one of the first meals I made for my step-kids and they were like, “Yassssss! Step-mom can cook!” This one is a little more time consuming to prepare than some of the previous recipe’s I’ve shared. The good thing about it is that a 9x13 pan can feed a family of 4 very happily for about 3 days.