Once a month for about 3 or 4 days straight my husband becomes possessed. Yesterday he was as sweet as could be. Out of nowhere he looked at me and said, "I know I can be a pain and I gripe at you a lot, but I am so proud of the way you keep the house looking good all the time. You take such good care of me and the kids, and I don't tell you enough how much I appreciate it." Today is clearly a new day. I was picked up from work by Jack Nicholson in The Shining. The 30 minute ride home was filled with a tirade about his coworkers, wanting a raise, traffic, bad drivers, and being pissed that the kids won't eat leftovers.

Man periods. The struggle is way too real.

Of course, the fun continued when we got home. Remember all those nice compliments yesterday? Apparently, he doesn't. He got mad at me for not opening the door fast enough, starting the dishwasher, turning the kitchen light on, and the junk mail HE left on the counter yesterday. I'd already had enough of his shit for the day. If they sold manpons at Walgreen's I'd have been on my way to get some immediately, but I had to settle for hiding out in the bedroom for the evening. This man has been in here every 20 minutes bitching about everything under the sun. Yesterday, we were blessed and living a wonderful, happy life. Today he hates everything and our lives are a special kind of hell. We joke a lot that we'd rather be miserable with each other than happy with someone else, but I didn't think it was the goal of our marriage to achieve it. Either he needs an exorcist or I need a drink.

Everyone knows I am crazy about my man, but it's no secret he's the biggest whiner on Earth even when he's not experiencing man-strual psychosis. He says that every relationship he had before me they fought like cats and dogs. I guess he needed a woman like me because I’m not about to engage in an argument about why the kitchen light is on. Turn the shit off and move on!!!  I probably tell him at least once a day, “There is no way in hell I’m going to argue about this.” Shuts him right up. A lot of my friends have said they could never be with my husband because he’d drive them crazy.  You certainly have to be able to resist engaging in a pointless argument  to be married to him. He says that being in an abusive relationship for so long prepared me for being married to him because it makes him seem like an angel. To an extent he might be right, but I really think that sometimes people are just suited to each other. If putting up with him whining like a bitch is all I have to do to have a lifetime full of love and happiness then bring on the complaining because I’m with it!

 

 

I’ve been informed by a reliable source that I may or may not be the Charlie Brown’s teacher of bloggers.  She said, “You want some unrequested blog advice??? SHUT YOUR ASS UP, WOMAN!” I mean, that’s not REALLY what she said, but I had fun acting like that’s what she meant. The fact that my posts are too long is something I was actually already aware of. I typically write them out and try to shorten them up as much as possible without losing any of the content if they run long. Yes, those are the condensed versions you’ve read. Sad, I know. I guess I need to stop trying to squeeze so much information into one post. Apparently, I have taken for granted that I 66 paragraphs about my meddling mother might be a lot more interesting to me than anyone else. Who knew?

So, in an effort to retain my 16 faithful followers (Yes, that’s a joke. Sort of. lol), I’m going to make them shorter from now on. This is actually a good thing for all of us because now it might not take me 2 weeks to write, edit and perfect each one. When I do finish the process and post them you’ll hopefully make it all the way through. Also, shorter posts may keep me from running out of material. If it’s too much for people now, I’ll surely be my only follower when the only thing left are to write are 10 page essays about the chicken strips I had for lunch. You’re still here right? Just checking…

Anyway, I hope that everyone has found the new layout a little more user friendly. A lot of people weren’t thrilled with the dark background and light colored writing. Believe me, it was just as annoying to set them up that way as it was to read them. I’m thrilled to have something cleaner, more organized and easier on the eyes. So, if you were thinking of throwing in the towel on me because you don’t have time to read an amateur novel 3 times a week, don’t give up on me yet! I promise I’m going to take care of you all and make sure you keep coming back when I post something new.

To those of you who have complimented my writing and enjoyed my posts, you don’t know how much your support of my new found hobby means to me. This is something I have wanted to do for a really long time and never really thought anyone would pay any attention to it. I’d just keep right on doing it even if no one was reading, but the fact that you are has far exceeded my expectations. Thanks so much for sticking with me even when my posts are unbearably long. I’ll do my best to keep from talking you cross eyed from here on out.

It seems like my last few posts have been a bit morose. Even though there’s been an element of silliness I brought to the subjects at hand, I feel the need to lighten the mood. As women, there is one thing we never get tired of making fun of… men! I mean, let’s face it. With all the things the male population puts us through they deserve to have their utter ridiculousness brought to light for our enjoyment. Let me tell you, there is no better place to gather material for man bashing than on the various free dating sites. It’s the shallowest and most overstocked dating pool on Earth. I can’t knock it too much because I met my husband on Plenty of Fish, of all places. (Don’t judge me. Lol) I know a lot of people who have met their husbands and good quality men on these sites, but you definitely have to cyber kiss several dozen frogs to meet your prince. The following is a collection of the various frogs my girls and I have encountered. Names and specific details will be changed to protect the guilty.

Last night my neck started getting stuff and my left shoulder would hurt if I sat or moved in certain positions. This morning I woke up and could barely get out of bed! I can't turn my head to the left, can't lift my left arm up even high enough to reach my keyboard at work and about wrecked trying to turn my steering wheel.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm kind of a bitch. You see, I've developed a complete lack of patience for people making shitty life decisions. You'd think that I'd be a little more sympathetic because I have a colorful history of making the worst decisions humanly possible, but that's the very reason seeing people making poor choices is so damned infuriating. It's not that I don't understand. In fact, it's because I do understand that it makes me so crazy. The more I care about the person, the more it irritates me when I see them stirring up their own personal shit storm. Part of me feels like if I can pass on some of what I've learned from my own stupid choices then everything I went through wasn't in vain, but more and more I'm finding that I'm much better off keeping my mouth shut.

My PIB (You know, partner in blogging and probably crime if we didn't live 27,386,492 very long miles apart.) aka Tia Baltimore, The Dutchess of Maryland, the Head Boss Babe, has issued a 251 Day Blogging Challenge. My first instinct was that it sounded like fun, and I'm always down to support my homie in whatever she has going on. Once I accepted the challenge, I realized this means I have to come up with something interesting to say EVERY DAY for the rest of the year. This only being my 3rd blog post ever it's kind of like spontaneously deciding to run a marathon with no preparation or training, but I guess that's why they call it a challenge. So, here we go!