My first try at online dating happened via a Facebook friend request and was totally unintentional. I was not interested in dating at the time AT ALL, but I innocently accepted a friend request from a guy from my home town. I knew who he was, but I really had no specific memories of him. I found it kind of odd when he started chatting me up in my inbox, but I really enjoyed our conversations. They went on for a couple of weeks before he asked me out. I guess you could say that I was cyber smitten with him up until that point. I’d never had a guy be that nice to me before. When we met in person I thought he was fairly cute and he was as sweet as he could be. He took me on a lot of nice dates, and I had never really had before either. My mother adored him, which was a sure sign it was destined for failure. It only took about 2 months before I was totally turned off by the whole situation. The first thing that really annoyed me was he started this thing where he would suck on my bottom lip when he kissed me. It was soooooooooo gross and annoying, and when I would try and pull away it hurt! He was very shy and fairly inexperienced with women. It was like dating a horny teenager who wanted to make out all the time, but didn’t know what he was doing. There was more than once where I walked away with a sore and chapped bottom lip after spending the day with him.
The straw that broke the camel’s back came when I spent the
weekend at his house. By that time, I was already forcing myself to stay in it
because he was too sweet to hurt and my mother was just sure he was “the one”.
(GAG me with a pointy stick.) We lived in different towns so he came and picked
me up for the weekend. I was stuck with him. Low and behold, this sweet
naïve little man SNORED louder than an asthmatic grizzly with allergies. That
wasn’t the worst part. He had sleep apnea so bad that he would stop breathing
for what seemed like minutes at a time. First of all, snoring is my biggest pet
peeve. It’s like someone laying in bed next to me taking their nails to a chalkboard
all night. Even a quiet snore drives me out of my damn mind. Not only that,
this guy stopped breathing so many times throughout the night I thought he was
going to wake up dead right there next to me in the bed. It was horrifying.
After that weekend, I wanted to tell him to see a sleep doctor, a kissing
specialist, and anyone other than me. I couldn’t do him like that though. I
gave him the good old “it’s not you, it’s me” line instead, which wasn’t really
a lie because I was anything but ready for a serious relationship. I wonder if
he’s died in his sleep yet? I should do an obituary search.
One thing you have to watch out for with online dating is
men in unhappy relationships looking for a unsuspecting side chick. This was
something I already knew to watch out for, but I encountered one dude who was
pretty damn good at keeping his alternate life swept under the rug. He had his
own apartment and there was no sign of a woman what-so-ever. He never acted
shady. I could show up any time I wanted unannounced. I liked him ok, but
he was just an average guy. I knew he wasn’t going to be the love of my life or
anything, but he was cool for the moment. He called himself in a relationship
with me on Facebook without even having a discussion about the status of our
relationship first. I thought it was kind of weird, but I didn’t have anything
else to do so why not have a boyfriend? Sure. Fine. Whatever. I would usually
hang out with him in the evening on the weekends and hang out with Anya in
daytime. She was a lot more fun. One day, my Facebook notifications started
blowing up all the sudden. Come to find out that this guy had been in a
relationship for 9 YEARS and the chick was pregnant. The girl’s cousin
proceeded to tell all his business in the comments on a post I tagged him in.
It was so embarrassing. The worst part was my parents saw it before I did. I
looked like the worst home wrecking slut on the planet. She had no clue I
didn’t know. Of course I defended myself, and made it clear I had no idea and was
done with him. How did he get away with it? Well, turns out they had broken up
a few months before he and I met. He got his own place, and then found out she
was pregnant. They were trying to work it out, but she had no idea he was
whoring around online. She didn’t have a Facebook so she was clueless until she
got suspicious he was up to something and had her cousin investigate. He begged
me for another chance, and said he’d break up with her. “So, let me get this
straight. You’re going to dump your pregnant girlfriend of 9 years for someone
you’ve only known a couple of months that you initiated a supposed committed
relationship with? Boy, get your ass to your baby mama’s house and have several
seats.” NEXT!!!!!
Sometimes online dating can get you a 2 for 1 special, or
not so special as the case may be. A friend of mine met this guy online and
after talking to him for a while and going out with him a time or 2 he asked
her if she had a friend. Sadly, I volunteered as tribute. At first, when we
were just talking on the phone and getting to know each other I really liked
him. We decided we would double with my friend and her guy for our first date.
He wouldn’t tell me where we were going, but she was told they were going to
take us to one of the fanciest restaurants in town. So, as the date gets closer
we’re getting all excited, thinking about what to wear and all that girly shit.
Why, Lord???? Why on the day of the date did we find out they were actually
taking us to the sports bar across the street from the fancy restaurant? We
thought we were getting to quality steaks when we were unknowingly getting a
burger and fries, both figuratively and literally. Needless to say that date
didn’t happen. The stupid thing was that they didn’t need to lie to kick it. They
didn’t have to say that they were taking us to some fancy place when they had
no intention of doing so. We could have went there and had a great time, but
these fools wanted to play games.
With online dating you can sometimes find yourself dating someone
you never expected to connect with. One of my girls got hit up by this guy who
was considerably younger than her. She told him that he was too young, but he
kept messaging her and eventually wore her down. They got to know each other
fairly well before meeting in person, which finally happened when he challenged
her to a game of cards. She decided to go for it. What’s the worst that could
happen? So, she goes to his dorm for the card came. (Yes, he’s a college boy
and she’s a grown ass woman.) She has a great time playing cards. It starts to
get late and she says she has to go home. He begs her to stay so she prolongs
leaving since she’s enjoying his company. She starts to get chilly and
eventually catches on to the fact that he’s gradually lowering the temperature
in the room. Next thing you know he’s under the covers asking to keep her warm.
Of course, she doesn’t fall for this amateur attempt at getting the cookies the
first time, but they ended up dating for over a year before he moved over seas.
For their entire relationship she was a cougar, a thundercat, and just about
every other variation of the term we could come up with to tease her. He only
required one nickname… Go Fish.
The most embarrassing story of them all is one that left me
traumatized. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been catfished. This is a story that
I haven’t even told my good friends because it’s so damn shameful. But hey, I’m
married now. My single days are over. It’s water under the bridge and fits with
the subject matter. If you know me and you see me in person, please… let’s just
not talk about it. I had been messaging back and forth with this guy who seemed
pretty nice. Something told me the whole thing was suspicious, but it should be
pretty obvious by now that I am a professional at getting myself in stupid
situations. So, like a dummy, I agreed to meet him at this park so we could see
if we hit it off. I get to this park and there are like 30 dudes in a big group
in the parking lot drinking, smoking, being loud and obnoxious. It was your
typical park in the hood. So, I call him and he tells me to get out of the car
and wait for him. I get out of the car and I’m scanning the group trying to
spot the guy I had seen a few pictures of. Next thing I know this freak
of nature is heading my way. He’s mortifyingly hideous. Frizzy dry ass, unkempt
afro that looked like a damn tumbleweed. Scrawny little crackhead looking body.
Moles and freckles all over his face. His shirt was too small, his pants were
too big and filthy. The raggedy ass air force ones with duct tape on the side
holding them together completed the look. I thought he was a homeless man about
to ask me for spare change, but I was so wrong. Without even asking he just
wraps his arms around my waist and tries to get up in my face to kiss me. Ugh,
I puke in my mouth a little every time I think about it. I wriggle out of his
arms and start trying to tell him he must have me confused with someone else
because I don’t know who he is. He’s like, “You thought you were waiting for
someone else, but I’m what you’re getting. Just give me a chance, girl. I’ll
treat you like a queen.” Then, a few of the guys close by take notice and start
making fun of us. They were asking him if I was a hooker because the only way
he could snag a girl like me was if he was paying. He was leaning up against
the driver’s side of the car, and while they had him distracted I ran to the
other side of the car, dove in, and locked the doors. He sees that I have
escaped and lays down on the hood of the car before I can get myself into the
driver’s seat to make a run for it. He’s begging me not to leave and to give
him a chance. I’m cussing him out and telling him to get his ass off my car. By
this time, we have attracted the attention of the whole crowd who are laughing
hysterically at the scene we’re making. I roll down my window about 2 inches
and start begging the guys in the crowd to get him off my car. After getting
their fill of entertainment, a couple of guys finally came over and dragged him
off. I peeled out of there like I was in the Indy 500. I was so freaked out
that I didn’t even want to go back to Camp DHM and explain why my date fell
through. I just went and killed time until it was long enough that it wouldn’t
require explanation. After the encounter, he was trying to track me down for
weeks. I had to block him from my phone, email, dating profile, and Facebook.
After a few weeks strange dudes started contacting me saying that he had told
them how to find me and they wanted to meet me. It was a fucking nightmare, and
I vowed the next guy I agreed to meet would be a sure thing. About a month
later, I met my husband. Miguel’s “Sure Thing” was one of our wedding songs.
Last but not least, I have an honorable mention. This is not an online dating story, but it is about one of my favorite people I have EVER met online. Last year, I was lurking in this Facebook group when this picture of the gorgeous woman introducing herself to the group caught my eye. I started checking out the comments which were basically 100 guys lining up with their dicks in their hands to take a crack at getting her attention. I was impressed at how she was able to hold her own in responding to these classless cyber man whores. She had sass and class, two of my favorite qualities. That was the last I saw of her until about a month later when I joined another Facebook group, and low and behold, the creator of the group was the SAME GIRL. I had gotten my hair done that day and made some post about how I had gotten the “I have mixed kids” cut in reference to a meme that was going around at the time and pissed everyone off who thought I was being racist. She stuck up for me, and told them all that there was nothing racist about it. There was that sass and class again. Just like that, Tia Baltimore and I became fast friends. Even though we live 1,297,356 miles apart she has become one of my favorite people. We are so much alike it creeps us out sometimes, but yet we’re just different enough that it keeps things interesting. She impresses me daily with her talent, creativity and fearlessness in chasing her dreams. I’m pretty sure I have made a lifelong friend in her. You may have noticed that my blog layout has been totally revamped. She did it for me, and I barely had to give her any input. She just knew exactly what I’d like. Be sure to check out the links to her blog Let Them Envy and her store Jealousy that will be opening real soon! Remember her name, ladies, and mark my words. This girl will be a household name one day. She’s going places, and I’m lucky to know and love her.
Nothing will make you appreciate never having brave the dating scene again like publishing all your catastrophic failures, but don’t let these stories scare you. You CAN find your soul mate online. Just as sure as an amazing woman like yourself is out there hesitantly seeing what the internet has to offer, there are good men out there doing the same thing. I would recommend being a bit more selective on who you meet than I was though. Your bottom lip and your dignity might just depend on it.
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