I have come to the conclusion that I'm kind of a bitch. You see, I've developed a complete lack of patience for people making shitty life decisions. You'd think that I'd be a little more sympathetic because I have a colorful history of making the worst decisions humanly possible, but that's the very reason seeing people making poor choices is so damned infuriating. It's not that I don't understand. In fact, it's because I do understand that it makes me so crazy. The more I care about the person, the more it irritates me when I see them stirring up their own personal shit storm. Part of me feels like if I can pass on some of what I've learned from my own stupid choices then everything I went through wasn't in vain, but more and more I'm finding that I'm much better off keeping my mouth shut.



Back when horrible decisions were the only kind I knew how to make, I used to hate it when people would try and talk sense to me. No matter how many times I'd fall flat on my face I still thought I knew what I was doing and no one could tell me shit. Even though I'm well familiar with that mindset, I somehow believed all the things I've been through would make me seem credible to those who felt compelled to make the same bad choices I have. What I failed to realize is you can't reason with the unreasonable. Trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is incapable of seeing things rationally is like doing Chinese arithmetic, frustrating and useless with no chance of success.

Recently, I've started to see that my attempts to help people dodge the bullet either hurts the person more than it helps, irritates the shit out of me, or both. It's like I can hear them saying, "with all the stupid choices you've made I'd have to be an idiot to listen to you", but in my mind the consequences of those choices I have endured are exactly the reason I think they should. It seems that even with my best efforts not to, offering the insight I've gained through my life experiences results in me coming off like a know it all. That really sucks because I certainly don't think I'm a genius. In fact, there's no telling what kind of foolishness I'd have gotten myself into by now if my husband hadn't come along. What my change in circumstance really did was shine a light on how the decisions I've made have contributed to what took me down so many wrong roads before happening upon the right one.

Here's where my bitchtastic tendencies come into play. When I see someone doing something that's going to hurt them or screw up their life I have a complete lack of ability to keep my mouth shut. Even when I know they're going to reject it, resent it, and think I'm acting like a self-righteous bitch, I just can't keep myself from trying to help them see the light. It almost always results in unspoken animosity between us. So, I've decided that my initial feeling that I went through all kinds of bullshit because I was destined to be an inspiration to others is totally off the mark. I have absolutely no desire to be the Jehovah's Witness of making better choices out there banging on people's doors with my get your life together fliers. No one should have to decide between turning off the lights and closing the blinds or bluntly telling me they already belong to the church of  'stay the fuck out of my business'.

Maybe what God's really trying to tell me is that I've spent far too much of my life wrapped up in other people's problems and deserve some peace and happiness. Maybe it's a continuation of the hardest life lesson I ever had to learn. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can't change other people. All I can do is work on me. So, instead of wasting my time advising those who can't or don't want to hear it, I'm just going to sit down, shut up and enjoy being happy. I'm going to remember that I have the right to banish anything and anyone that doesn't make me happy. If I see someone who's hurting and asking for advice I'll give it to them, but the minute they start showing me that my input isn't useful to them is the minute I'm exiting stage left. It's not my job to save anyone. Just like my DV counselor used to tell me, "All I can do is give you the tools. You're the one who has be ready to do the hard work." I guess if that's a bitchy way to be then I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I'm screwed either way, I'm choosing the one that's most enjoyable. I mean, who wouldn't?

Whew! Day 2 is a wrap!