I had to take a blogging break. After the nonsense that was dumped on my family last week, the Lord had his arm around my shoulder and his hand over my mouth. I tried to write about other topics, but I had a hard time staying focused and engaged on other topics with last week’s events having taken over my brain. I don’t like feeling like I’m forcing myself to write about something that’s not really what’s on my heart. It seems to come out boring and lacking sincerity when I do that. So, I’ve decided that I won’t get past this until I talk about it. I’ve had a little time now to get the rude and disrespectful comments under control so hopefully I can talk about this without going the “Can you believe that this bitch…” route. Wish me luck because I’ll probably need it.

So, here’s the deal. Last week the kid’s Mom emailed us and told us that she is taking my step son back to live with her. I won’t go into the specific details, but let’s just say the situation was handled very poorly on her part. She could have left it at “He’s decided he wanted to come back to live with me.” We would have been satisfied with that. He’s old enough to make that decision for himself, and we want him to be happy even if it's not with us. I guess just letting us know she'd be taking him back wasn't enough for her. She had to make sure she was rude, hurtful and unnecessary too. Not only that, she manipulated him into believing that he would be better off there and then told my husband that it was his fault the boy wants to leave. I don't think my son has a clue what his Mom actually said, at least I hope not. I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to treat my husband like some kind of half assed parent when he’s clearly gone above and beyond for his children. On the other hand, it was pretty much par for the course. Before the kids came she was so appreciative of us taking them while she was going through a hard time, but since the day she dropped them off she’s acted like she was doing us a favor. I wanted to remind her that she should feel blessed to have a man that will step up the way he has. We all know how many men can’t be bothered to spend a day with their kids or a dime from their pockets, let alone a year and a half with little to no child support aside from the money she gives directly to the kids that gets blown on video games and fast food. Don’t misunderstand me though. I’m not saying he deserves a standing ovation. He was doing his job as a father, taking care of his kids in whatever circumstances he’s given. I’m just saying she didn’t give him the respect he deserved.

Aside from the fact that the way she went about letting us know was so upsetting, the wife in me was pissed off because she was raking him over the coals like she was still married to him. I don’t care how many kids you have with him, I’m not going be ok with you talking to my husband any kind of way. Talking crazy to him is my job! In a way I'm being funny when I say that, but I’ve found that one of the hardest parts of being a step mother is feeling like another woman has more of a say than you do about what goes on in your own home. I think most step parents would tell you that adjusting to the kids is the easy part. It’s the interaction with the grown folks involved that’s the real challenge. Our families have received many compliments on how well we all get along to create a positive and supportive environment for the kids. My husband and I have hosted several parties for the kids in which their mom’s whole family has attended and it was a great time for everyone. You want to know the truth though? The truth is that we’re faking it for the kids. There is so much I would love to say to this woman, but I was a kid with divorced parents who could hardly be in the same room together. I want a better environment than that for my kids, and any time my husband tries to push back when she attempts to manipulate the situation the first thing she does is try to involve them in the drama. Believe me, I’d love to get my ratchet out of my toolbox and go to work on her, but the kid’s happiness means more to me than my desire to put her in her place.

 My husband has had to be content to look like the bad guy for so long because he won’t sink to her level.  I’ve had multiple people tell me that it’s time to fight back and that the kids need a dose of reality because it’s not fair to us to just let her manipulate and control everything to her advantage. If you think fighting with your ex over your kids is hard, just try to imagine keeping your mouth shut no matter your ex says or does. I didn’t really understand why he wasn’t standing up for himself until he told me that having his kids happy and under his roof was all he cared about, and whatever he had to endure to have that was worth it. I see so many co-parenting situations in which both parents lose sight of what’s really important. They get so wrapped up in being right that they forget about the kids standing right there witnessing everything you say and do right in front of them. My husband and I have endured a lot in the last year and a half, and I’m proud that we were able to do it with class and grace, even if we had to fake it til we make it at times.  
 

My step son leaves this weekend, and it’s going to be really hard to see him go. We’re already trying to figure out how to handle it when she comes to pick him up. I’m not sure how I’m going to maintain my composure when I see her because I’m really at my limit. At this point, the only respect for her I have left is the fact that she gave my husband 2 beautiful, intelligent, talented kids. We’d gladly keep him here with us if we knew that’s what he wanted, but I’d be lying if I said we aren’t looking forward to the upside of being free from full time parenting. Now we can get back to all the newlywed adventures and plans we had before they came. I wonder if she realizes that now that the kids aren’t going to be under our roof we don’t have to put up with her crap anymore to protect them? We’ll be free to call her out on her nonsense, and it won’t have a negative impact on the kids. I wonder if she’s ready for us to give her the same courtesy she’s given us when it comes to child support and being a team player? It will be interesting to see how she reacts when her child support money is being blown on fast food and video games. I wonder if she’s prepared for what it’s going to be like when the kids get older and can see through the lies, bribes and manipulation? It’s only a matter of time before karma will be sufficiently doing my dirty work....

 I must admit, I'm about 9 miles too deep in my feelings today. There certain things in my life that are always there under the surface, but one little thing can happen that triggers a downward spiral where things that don't normally bother me get me all upset. I blame my lingering bi-polar tendencies with a touch of being a Gemini thrown in. The thing that kicked it all off this time was a comment someone made that got under my skin yesterday. At first, it didn't bother me, but when I thought about it later I was like, "Wait... Was that... Couldn't be... Well, I'll be damned... THAT WAS SHADE!" I'd just been having a conversation with a friend earlier in the day who was feeling like she let irrelevant people get under her skin too much. I was encouraging her to step up her "Bye, Felicia" game, and now here I was all in my feelings about something that may or may not have been a shot fired in my direction.

Well, that first passage was written yesterday morning. I had this nice little post all planned out throwing myself a petty little pity party over here under my shade tree about the fact that my Dad didn't acknowledge my birthday and a family member inadvertently made me feel left out of a conversation. Little did I know, these little situations I was letting get to me were all leading up to a shocking and upsetting family situation that came about yesterday afternoon and hit me like a ton of bricks. In a way, I'm kind of glad that I was already a little upset by some other situations. It feel like it softened the blow. If I had been just going on about my business as my normal cheerful self I'd probably be beside myself with emotions I couldn't manage right now. Instead, I'm hurt, devastated, pissed, in disbelief, and yet somehow still rational.

I'm so bothered by what happened that I'm not even ready to publicly acknowledge the reality of the situation yet. I just keep telling myself that this shit can't be for real, and yet knowing that it is at the same time. This is one of those situations where someone does something that you can't figure out how the hell the person came to the conclusion they did based on the circumstances. Dealing with someone whose thought processes and viewpoints are so vastly different from your own is extremely frustrating. Refusing to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions and always behaving as though everything is someone else's fault is a completely foreign concept to me. I tend to be a very empathetic person. I look at almost every situation that involves conflict with another person and try to see things from their point of view before I react. I care about the feelings of others so much that I am more likely to take on the burden of the next person's poor decisions than to try to dump mine on someone else.  So, people who have the ability to take any situation and alter the facts to create their own reality are a mystery to me. They throw me for a loop every time because I simply don't have the capability of understanding where they're coming from at all. I couldn't make my brain work that way if I wanted it to.

 

For a lot of my life, it seemed like I somehow I always ended up associating myself with narcissistic people. It took me a long time to realize that assholes love people like me. Two narcissists can't be friends because these people surround themselves with those who won't challenge the little delusional world they build for themselves. People with a submissive and nurturing personality are a narcissist's dream because we don't even require them to make excuses for their actions. Whatever they dish out we just keep seeing the good in them, putting up with their shit, and telling ourselves that if we can just get through to them they'll magically see the light. It took a lot of years and a lot of counseling to learn to set boundaries with these kind of people. There was a time when I would have handled this current situation by trying to reason with this idiot until I was blue in the face while continually becoming more and more miserable that I couldn't change their way of thinking. Even now that I know what a big useless waste of breath and energy it is to try to reason with a lunatic, there are some situations in which I'm tempted to try. In this particular case, someone did something that hurt someone I love and respect more than anyone on the planet. If I thought there was any chance that anything I could say or do would change this person's heart then I would suit up and go to battle in a heartbeat. I suppose it speaks to my own personal growth that I'm able to see this person and situation for what it is. The fact that I can accept that you just can't make some people do the right thing is a huge accomplishment for me.

Ironically, learning to accept that some people are simply self-absorbed, delusional, inconsiderate dicks has brought an element of inner peace to my life. Internalizing the serenity prayer has helped me to let go of things that I can't change and focus on the things that can and do make me happy. The fact that I don't have the power to change others is probably one of the biggest and most important lessons I've ever learned, and one that I still struggle with from time to time. When I encounter some asshat that ruins my day or disrupts my life, I just tell myself that it's just God seeing that I need to be reminded that some things are beyond my control. Understanding that there are some things I just can't change no matter how much I want to has made me believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, and the Big Guy will reveal his plan in due time. It's my job to trust in him and he'll do the rest because he knows everything coming down the road that I don’t see just yet. So today, as much as I want to show my ass and sink to this person's level, I am going to follow my own advice and step up my "Bye, Felicia" game for the good of my family....

Today is my 37^th birthday. It's also Tupac's birthday, which is clearly proof that God makes legendary geniuses on June 16th. I took the day off work because that’s what I always do, but I didn't really have any big plans which is pretty typical. Since I am one who keeps my circle small, I have never had any big wild celebrations as an adult. That might be because the times I have tried usually seemed to be a letdown of some sort. I seem to be the happiest celebrating with the people I can always count on coming through for me, and the older I get the less of a big deal I want to make of it. I suppose that’s normal though. Even when it comes to gifts, I feel like I have everything I  could possibly want. What do you get the girl that feels like she has it all?

  

My most memorable birthdays actually include some sort of ridiculous incident that could only happen to me. Here are a few examples. It was either my 10^th or 11^th birthday that my hair caught on fire on my birthday cake. It was back in the days when the tidal wave bangs created with 5 cans a day of Aqua Net hairspray were popular. I bent over to blow out the candles and my bangs went up in flames. My grandmother hit me over the head repeatedly with her purse to put out the flames. I was so embarrassed that I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed there until everyone left. 27 years later and I still get embarrassed thinking about it.  I believe it was my 16^th birthday party that came to a screeching halt when OJ Simpson went on his famous Broncho chase with the cops. All celebration ceased and we all spent the rest of the party glued to the TV. My most memorable birthday experience as an adult was when the people I was with took off from the table in a restaurant and left me sitting there by myself while the wait staff sang to me. I felt like such an idiot. 

I really don't have a lot of stand out birthday memories that don't involve something totally awkward or unexpected happening. All the others are just kind of average. I don't have a negative view of birthdays, but I don't get super excited about them either.  The last few years this day has become one for reflection on all the ways my life has changed and how much I have to be thankful for. I've lived a lot of life in these 37 years. There have been a lot of ups and downs. Waking up happy with a family and friends that love me, a husband who takes great care of me, and the comfort of knowing that it's going to be a great day is the best gift that I could ever ask for. It won't be a great day just because it's my birthday. It's going to be a great day because every day is happy, full of blessings, and free from worries and hardship. Other than a winning lottery ticket worth millions, I can't think of a single thing I'm longing for today. That's feeling alone is worth more than that lottery ticket could ever be.

I spent my day shopping, getting pampered, and then went to dinner at my favorite restaurant with the husband and kids. It was full of happiness and love, just like every other day. Happy Birthday to me!

Well, the inevitable has occurred. My mom found out about my blog. I should have known it would happen. It was my sister who inadvertently put me on blast, but it's not her fault. For weeks I'd been meaning to tell her I didn't want my mother to know, but I never got around to it. Then yesterday at a family gathering she mentioned it when my Mom happened to be within earshot. A few minutes later, Mom cornered me and told me that if it wasn't something she could read then I probably didn't need to be putting my business out there, and gave me "the look". My reasons for keeping her out aren't what she probably thinks they are though. Now I'm in damage control mode, and my clean up options are pretty limited. I'm sure this isn't the last I've heard from her about this. Eventually, I'm going to have to come up with some way to smooth it over. A lot of people would probably say, "What's the big deal? You're a grown woman. You shouldn't have to hide anything from her." I wish it were that simple.

Last Saturday my step-daughter graduated from High School. We had a great party after the ceremony, our first time hosting in our new house, and got to see some people we haven't seen in ages. My husband's ex-wife and her entire family spent the whole day with us. Our other guests were amazed at how comfortable we all were together and complimented us on our ability to come together and create a positive and supportive environment for the kids. Aside from my pride in my girl finishing in the top 30 of her class and moving on to the next chapter in her life, the very best part of the day was seeing 2 of my favorite people in the whole world! It had been so long since I'd seen them it made me slightly depressed and emotional when they left. Seeing them made me realize 3 things. 1st thing, I think I may legitimately have a touch of Agoraphobia. 2^nd thing, the 3 friends I love the most are a direct reflection of my personality. 3rd thing, I'm a pretty shitty friend. 

Siggghhhhhhhh. Anyone know where you go to turn in your adult card? I'm tired. I need a break. I don't want to do grown up stuff. Everything seems SO HARD right now. I'm in fairly good spirits, I guess, but I've got so much going on that I can't do the things I want to do because I barely have time for the things I'm required to do. I'm not sleeping well. My thoughts are disorganized. Even blogging is slow going because I feel like I work and work and somehow only manage to crank out a sentence or 2 a day. It makes it really hard to stay focused on my message. I'm the same way at work. I work my ass off all day and accomplish nothing. Basically, I'm a hot ass mess right now.

The other day I was pulling up to a stoplight, and there was this guy standing on the corner. He was looking hard trying to get my attention. He wasn’t ugly really, but he was one of those that you can see the type of guy he was just by looking at him. As the light turned and I sped off, I realized that there was a time when that was exactly the type of guy I would be attracted to. Now, that same type of guy couldn't be less enticing to me. Some of the guys in my past I look back on and think, “What in the LITERAL FUCK was that about?” Most women may have one or 2 of those, but I feel like I've had a few more than my fair share. For most of my adult life, if you lined up 19 good men and one shitty one, it’s pretty much a guarantee that I would have picked the one I had absolutely no business getting involved with. I can’t even lie. It wasn’t like I had some epiphany that I was a douche magnet. It was more of a hindsight revelation. When you find out what it’s like to be with a real man that loves you the way a man’s supposed to, those rose colored glasses come off and you can finally see a loser as exactly what he is. I stumbled over that man by pure chance, but if I hadn’t I think I’d probably never have seen the light, at least not yet. I feel extremely fortunate that we found each other against all odds, and I look at women with that same propensity toward the jerks of the world and pray that they find their soul mates one day too.

Ask any woman what the best, hardest, and sometimes the most thankless, job in the world is and we'll all say the same thing... BEING A MOTHER. Multiply a normal mom's struggle by about 10 and you'll be getting close to what it must have been like to be mine. I swear if we were Catholic I'd petition to have her canonized a saint. Every year at Mother's Day, I make it a point to apologize for being so hard to raise and tell my mom she was right about damn near everything. Here's my list of the top 10 things she was right about:

Writing has been tough on me the last week or so. I've been so busy that when I do have time to sit down and write I can only make it for about 15 minutes before I can't keep my eyes open. So, while it may appear that I have let the challenge defeat me, believe me I'm writing every day like I planned. It's just the finished products aren't coming together as fast as I had hoped they would. It doesn't look like things are going to slow down for me any time soon. It's going to be a busy month for the Andrews family. We are pretty much booked every weekend from now until July. We have Mother's Day, the neighborhood garage sale (kill me now), our anniversary, my step-daughter's graduation with a big party at our house to follow, my brother coming to visit, my birthday, and then we'll finish off with a trip to Idaho for my little sister's wedding. I'm exhausted and broke just thinking about it.

For the last week or so, it seems like every single topic in the news is centered around a discrimination or equality issue of some type. I'm not usually one to discuss my views on politics or sensitive social topics. It's totally not my style to try to push my beliefs on anyone else and have always felt that the way I live my life is the best way to show others what I stand for. Today, I was having a conversation with a group of ladies that moved me to want to write about my thoughts on the subject. This is very unusual for me and might be the only time you'll read a post from me like this.

Last night my neck started getting stuff and my left shoulder would hurt if I sat or moved in certain positions. This morning I woke up and could barely get out of bed! I can't turn my head to the left, can't lift my left arm up even high enough to reach my keyboard at work and about wrecked trying to turn my steering wheel.

Well, here we are. My virgin post. It kind of reminds me of the anxiety about losing my actual virginity. What if I’m not good at it? What if I give them the good stuff and they just use me for a one time cheap thrill and then forget all about me? What if my Mom finds out? (There’s just some things you don’t tell your Mom, you know.) What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be? You only get one first time!