I'm about to admit something you'll rarely ever hear me say. I miss my Daddy. He's not dead. I know his address and phone number. I could pick up the phone and call him any time. He'd be more than thrilled to hear from me, but the person who would pick up the phone isn't the person I want to talk to. The truth is, the man I miss doesn't even exist. He never did.
My parents split up when I was 5 years old. I don't remember it, but my Mom said I came home one day and told her that he'd been taking me to the park where we'd meet a nice lady who bought me presents and kissed Daddy a lot. He told me not to tell, but even my 5 year old brain knew that something about that was wrong. What I do remember is the day my Dad left. He showed up with a u-haul and a new puppy (my replacement, I guess) and told me he was moving out. I screamed and begged him not to go, wrapped myself around his leg to try to stop him, and cried so hard I threw up. He’s always been a narcissistic sociopath, but he hides it well with most people. He’s now on his 3rd marriage and every time he leaves a woman it’s the same situation and same excuses. They all want to change him, don’t want him to be happy, never really loved him, and made him so miserable they drove him into the arms of another. As if it’s perfectly rational to think that women would give him chance after chance and put up with his ways all because they don't love him and want to spend their whole lives making him miserable. Seems legit. For a lot of years he had everyone snowed. My mother was probably the only person who knew who he really was. She kept her mouth shut because she wanted my brother and I to have a father. It’s clear that there are others in my family who know the truth, but they enable, cosign and help keep up appearances for the sake of the family reputation. I won’t air out all his dirty laundry, but trust me when I say he’s got issues.
My parents split up when I was 5 years old. I don't remember it, but my Mom said I came home one day and told her that he'd been taking me to the park where we'd meet a nice lady who bought me presents and kissed Daddy a lot. He told me not to tell, but even my 5 year old brain knew that something about that was wrong. What I do remember is the day my Dad left. He showed up with a u-haul and a new puppy (my replacement, I guess) and told me he was moving out. I screamed and begged him not to go, wrapped myself around his leg to try to stop him, and cried so hard I threw up. He’s always been a narcissistic sociopath, but he hides it well with most people. He’s now on his 3rd marriage and every time he leaves a woman it’s the same situation and same excuses. They all want to change him, don’t want him to be happy, never really loved him, and made him so miserable they drove him into the arms of another. As if it’s perfectly rational to think that women would give him chance after chance and put up with his ways all because they don't love him and want to spend their whole lives making him miserable. Seems legit. For a lot of years he had everyone snowed. My mother was probably the only person who knew who he really was. She kept her mouth shut because she wanted my brother and I to have a father. It’s clear that there are others in my family who know the truth, but they enable, cosign and help keep up appearances for the sake of the family reputation. I won’t air out all his dirty laundry, but trust me when I say he’s got issues.
My relationship with him was always a little off, but I didn't see him for who he really was until I was in my early 30's. You'd think with all the evidence right in front of my face my whole life I'd have realized, but I guess every girl wants to believe her Daddy is a super hero. It was actually a series of situations that really opened my eyes. The first was when my Mom called him and told him that I was in an abusive relationship. He called and told me that he knew. Then he said, "Your mom wants me to come down there and try to get you away from him, but it probably wouldn't be worth it." He wasn't wrong. He probably couldn't have gotten me out of it at that point, but isn't your Dad supposed to protect you? Isn't he supposed to come and kick the guy's ass and threaten to kill him if he ever lays a hand on his daughter again? A few weeks later, I found out he was putting hands on my step-mom and younger siblings and traveling long distances to have yet another affair. So, I guess he had other things going on that were worth traveling for.
For the last several years, we seem to go through the same cycle over and over. He has repeatedly tried to get me to lie for him and testify on his behalf. When I refuse, he says my Mom poisoned my mind and made me believe things about him that aren't true. It's so insulting to my intelligence that I can hardly stand it. So, I have set boundaries with him. I gave him a list of things he can't do if he wants to have a relationship with me. He says he understands and then proceeds to do all the things I ask him not to do every time I give him a chance. So, I cut him off and try again a few months later. It's been about 6 months since the last time I spoke to him he blew it even worse than usual. It sucks that I can't call my Daddy and tell him how happy I am, tell him about my new house, invite him to come see it and meet my kids. Sadly, I can't trust him. He sees me as a pawn in his game, and every time I see him there's an agenda. I never know what he's going to be up to, but he always shows his cards when he thinks the moment is right. All I can do is base my contact with him on not having guilt or regrets. Tomorrow isn't promised, and I never want to end up wishing I'd done this or that. I've pretty much given up hope that he'll ever come to his senses. I think he's been living a lie so long he believes it himself.
In spite of all my daddy issues, I'm happy. If I'd never found out who he really was all the things that were right under the surface would have affected me for the rest of my life. I'd never have had the opportunity to sift through all the jaded views of what a husband and father is supposed to be. I'd never have learned how to set boundaries with people and not let them use and manipulate me. Just like the old song says...
In spite of all my daddy issues, I'm happy. If I'd never found out who he really was all the things that were right under the surface would have affected me for the rest of my life. I'd never have had the opportunity to sift through all the jaded views of what a husband and father is supposed to be. I'd never have learned how to set boundaries with people and not let them use and manipulate me. Just like the old song says...
1 comments
You know, Andrea your dad sounds like the male version of my mom. She was abusive growing up and it took me until my early 20s to realize I had been in an abusive relationship with my mother. Growing up in that environment, it's almost normal to you, and sometimes it takes an outside dose of awareness to make you see how wrong something is. Sadly, my siblings are still under her spell, but I broke free long ago. I've tried many times before, but I let my longing to have a motherly figure in my life and the judgement from others saying I was wrong for cutting off a parent stop me from doing it sooner. I was the only one who suffered. I have accepted that I was born from a woman, but I have never had and will never truly have a 'mother'. I don't talk to my mom anymore, and I'm fine with that. Lord knows I love her. But just as you can be totally in love with an abusive man, at some point you have to realize most abusive people do not change and the way they are hurting you is not loving you back, nor is it okay. I strongly believe with all of my heart that The Lord, Jesus Christ does not want us to be with someone who is repeatedly hurting us or hurts us even once in an extreme way - no matter who they are. That is not what forgiveness is. If forgiveness meant continuing to be involved with someone who has betrayed you, then Jesus would still have eaten bread with Judas after he betrayed Him. Forgiveness is about accepting an apology that you most likely will never receive and moving on. It's not about your feelings. It's as simple as that. And on the days you feel angry and bitter, there's still some forgiving to do, and that's when you pray to your Heavenly Father, that He will help you overcome that, because you want to forgive and forgiveness is really for you. It's okay to say no to hurtful people You gave him his chanceS. He blew them. Simply because he does not care... no matter what he says. Actions truly speak much louder than words. Accept his apology for all his wrongs that he will never give you, accept that you will never have a 'father', and cut him off and don't look back. Some of us are truly only born with one 'parent'. <3
ReplyDeletePlease leave a comment so I know I'm not talking to myself. ;) I read every single one. ♥