Well, that first passage was written yesterday morning. I had this nice little post all planned out throwing myself a petty little pity party over here under my shade tree about the fact that my Dad didn't acknowledge my birthday and a family member inadvertently made me feel left out of a conversation. Little did I know, these little situations I was letting get to me were all leading up to a shocking and upsetting family situation that came about yesterday afternoon and hit me like a ton of bricks. In a way, I'm kind of glad that I was already a little upset by some other situations. It feel like it softened the blow. If I had been just going on about my business as my normal cheerful self I'd probably be beside myself with emotions I couldn't manage right now. Instead, I'm hurt, devastated, pissed, in disbelief, and yet somehow still rational.
I'm so bothered
by what happened that I'm not even ready to publicly acknowledge the reality of
the situation yet. I just keep telling myself that this shit can't be for real,
and yet knowing that it is at the same time. This is one of those situations
where someone does something that you can't figure out how the hell the person
came to the conclusion they did based on the circumstances. Dealing with
someone whose thought processes and viewpoints are so vastly different from
your own is extremely frustrating. Refusing to take responsibility for the
consequences of your actions and always behaving as though everything is
someone else's fault is a completely foreign concept to me. I tend to be a very
empathetic person. I look at almost every situation that involves conflict with
another person and try to see things from their point of view before I react. I
care about the feelings of others so much that I am more likely to take on the
burden of the next person's poor decisions than to try to dump mine on someone
else. So, people who have the ability to
take any situation and alter the facts to create their own reality are a
mystery to me. They throw me for a loop every time because I simply don't have
the capability of understanding where they're coming from at all. I couldn't
make my brain work that way if I wanted it to.
Ironically, learning to accept that some people are simply
self-absorbed, delusional, inconsiderate dicks has brought an element of inner
peace to my life. Internalizing the serenity prayer has helped me to let go of
things that I can't change and focus on the things that can and do make me
happy. The fact that I don't have the power to change others is probably one of
the biggest and most important lessons I've ever learned, and one that I still
struggle with from time to time. When I encounter some asshat that ruins my day
or disrupts my life, I just tell myself that it's just God seeing that I need
to be reminded that some things are beyond my control. Understanding that there
are some things I just can't change no matter how much I want to has made me believer
in the idea that everything happens for a reason, and the Big Guy will reveal
his plan in due time. It's my job to trust in him and he'll do the rest because
he knows everything coming down the road that I don’t see just yet. So today,
as much as I want to show my ass and sink to this person's level, I am going to
follow my own advice and step up my "Bye, Felicia" game for the good
of my family....
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